Do you hear what I hear?

So I'm sitting at the breakfast table yesterday morning, minding my own business and the child makes...a noise.

They do this a lot. And most of the noises aren't fit for making at a table where you eat.

This particular one was halfway between a cough and vomit.

I called it...a 'comit'.

Which lead me to actually MAKE A LIST of the weird noises/things my child makes/does.

Seriously. I have a LIST.

Full of disgusting noises/hobbies.

Obviously...I must share.

1.) comit - combo cough and vomit.
2.) vurp - combo burp and vomit. Kids are great like that.
3.) asspload - explosions. Via the ass. Worst thing ever first thing in the morning.
4.) neck cheese - grey goo that gets caught in the folds of her neck/chin(s).
5.) the phrase "did you check her crack?" which only applies to girl babies. It's gross. And usually heard directly following an asspload.
6.) hylork - the noise I hear as she shoves her whole fist down her mouth and gags herself.

I can't even describe how most of the time how truly gross this shit is. And the worst bit?

Every kid makes these noise.

Kids are fucking gross.

The Simple Shit

Oh my friends.

Yesterday.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I had been out of bed for five WHOLE minutes. Penny and Charlotte were doing their "Who can be more pitiful?" competition.

Gator was growling at me because his dish was empty.

I was trying desperately to pour milk into a sippy cup through sleep crusted eyes and accidentally tipped the fucking thing onto the floor.

The day JUST went downhill.

Screaming.
Crying.
Throwing things.
Even the baby was having a spazz.

Downward we circled until about 2pm when I was twitching and constantly had tears in my eyes. I went to let the dogs out...

and Penny's leg was bleeding.

Really?
FUCKING REALLY?

So there was a call to:
Husband.
The vet.
Momma Kathy to babysit.
The vet again.
The old vet.
Husband.
Momma Kathy.

By the end I really just wanted to dig my own eyes out with a rusted grapefruit spoon.

I know I'm supposed to be finding something good everyday but peeps, sometimes you just can't.

So this blog post is in appreciation of those fuck all kill me now ridiculous kind of days.

We are only human.
We do NOT (contrary to what some think) blow glitter out our snizz and shit rainbows.

And you know what?
That's okay.

Because it's not healthy to be delusionally happy and optimistic all the time.

By the time I crawled into bed that night about midnight Tuesday had beat me down and made me it's bitch.

So let's raise a glass to all the days that just kicked us between the legs. Because we must be REALLY strong to have the guts to get back out of bed the next day and try it again.

Our we're insane...jury's still out.

Several day of WINNING!

The talking...OH THE TALKING...

1.) New words at every corner. They aren't great or whole words. But purple, cookie, elmo, movie...the are all flying out of her mouth.

It's absolutely cutest that she now says good girl after we say it to her.

2.) One of my very bestest friends has not only managed to become engaged to a phenomenal gentleman, but last night was their italian themed engagement party. AND, as if that wasn't enough, she asked me to be IN her wedding. I am amazingly flattered and excited :)

3.) The cooler weather. I adore fall and I know I've mentioned it before, but it's totally worth of another round of cheers.

4.) Good times with good friends. Nothing beats a dancing Wookie with a sparkler.

WT(L)GDDE

What the (littlest) Griffin done did eat.

I know I said I didn't like posed food.

But her lunch today was just too cute.

So I took a picture of it.


BBQ tofu, brussel sprouts tossed in coconut and mandarin oranges.

Wait wait... BRUSSEL SPROUTS?


Oh yes...


Sure looks tasty, don't it?

Now let's play a game...what do you think she ate the most of.

*sings Jeopardy theme song. Off key*

Did you say TOFU?


Talk about a dark horse in that race.

My child LOVES that bbq tofu I made her. and that couldn't make me happier. I honestly wasn't sure how she'd feel about it. I love the fact that she's an adventurous little omnivore that I don't have to fight with to get her to eat.

Though Todd was most impressed with the fact that she ate the whole meal off a plate for the first time and didn't fling it like a frisbee.

*sigh*

To each their own I guess.

Simple Pleasures

A few days worth...

The No Suck Zone:
1.) The new word is "cookie". It's ADORABLE.

2.) Have you seen those new huggie diaper commericals? With Acro-Butt? That's TOTALLY her lately.

3.) Today she drank ALL of her milk out of her sippy until her nini baba.

4.) One day I may again say 'night time' instead of 'ni ni'.

5.) I made a nice bastard eggplant Parmesan.

I know I didn't post everyday...I warned you! :)

Love and face punches,
Alley

This is NOT a democracy!

...and other crazy things I've said to my kid.

I said that one day while chasing after her to finish changing her diaper.

I had JUST taken the diaper off and she crawled away naked. So I yanked her back and the screaming started. I said loudly "This is NOT a democracy! This is a matriarchy!"


We were walking through the grocery store the one day and she kept gagging herself. I mean repeatedly. She'd stick her little fingers down her throat and HY-YAK!...this morning's biscuit. At one point I grab her little hand and harsh whisper "Would you STOP gagging yourself? It's GROSS!"

And a passing woman chuckles and says "Oh I remember that phase..."

Hummus night is bath night in our house. No questions asked. Because every time...EVERY. TIME. I server her hummus she ends up wearing it. Like in her hair. Or lathering her hands with it like soap. So that as I'm bathing her I say things like "How did you get hummus in your ear?"

Playtime in a little intense some days. And the cat has the unfortunately habit of wanting to sleep in the sunny patches. And Charlotte, the sharing soul that she is toddles over to the sleeping cat with her toy and I have to say "No No! We don't hit the kitty with the bus!"

And...related to animals: WE DON'T EAT HAIR/FUZZ!


I'm sure we aren't alone as parents with the crazy shit that comes out of our mouth. But it's definately something that wasn't covered in that damn baby book. And the crap they make you say in public!!

*throws her hands up*

So tell me, fellow parents...or hell, even non-parents that have over heard it...what's the weirdest thing you've heard said to a kid?

Simple Pleasure

No Suck Zone:
1.) Today was VERY low key, as in we didn't leave the house. But! She started to "tip toe" run, which is awesome.

2.) Buffalo Bills whopped the shit out of Kansas City. Maybe this year? Maybe Buffalo?

Love and face punches,
Alley