And other things I learned the hard way.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Reasons why it SUCKS to be a Mom

I have a love/hate relationship with being a mother.

If you are my friend on facebook you are already VERY aware of this.

And I'm pretty sure that every woman has these feelings. But guilt makes most of them shut that face.

Luckily I have no shame and I don't fart sunshine 24/7.

1.) My child will be the MOST active and MOST demanding the day I have amazingly bad pms/cramps, or a migraine, or am on my deathbed with sickness. Every. Single. Time.
Days when I AM farting sunshine she ignores me for the dogs.

2.) Her baby gates are trying to kill me. I can't even tell you how many times in the past year I have half asleep caught my foot on one and toppled face first, ass over tea kettle into the hallway while just trying to make it to the bathroom to take my morning piss.

3.) On the topic of pee, because I had a baby, I now pee if I sneeze too hard. Awesome.

4.) The underpart of your foot, the fleshy arch is hands down one of THE most sensitive areas on your body. So of COURSE that is the area of your body that finds the only pointy toy your child has. Usually it's a shape with corners from her box/sorter thing. Or one of those wooden puzzle pieces. Plastic grip facing up of course.

5.) When you are starving to the point where your blood sugar has dropped and you are shaking and sweating she will NOT eat. No matter what you put in front of her. Of course, you must assure she starts eating before you do. It's what mom's do.

6.) In the early days I would go 7 hours without a bathroom break. Sneezing at that time was a game of urine roulette.

7.) One word - Elmo.

8.) At 2am when you are trying to put together a bottle with one eye open, chances are you are going to spill the breast milk ALL over the floor. And then cry. It's how these things work. Meanwhile the baby is STILL screaming. Like she has been for four hours.

9.) Her tiny bursts of complete irrational anger. Over things that can hurt her. Like when you won't let her play with tin cans out of the trash. Or stick the end of power cables in her mouth. How DARE I want to keep her alive.

(I wrote this MONTHS ago and never finished it.  I fished it out of the edit pile this AM and played urine roulette reading it.  I hope you enjoy.  Here it is, unedited.)

I live with a midget dictator

Oh.  Two years old.  Land of "MINE!" and "NO!" and "GIMMIE!".

Where the fuck did my sweet baby go? 

The Terrible Twos ate her and spit out this short asshole. 

And before you get all offended that I just called my child an asshole, let's clarify something...

Let's say you're hanging out with your friend Joe.  You get up and get yourself something to drink from the kitchen.  As you sit back down, Joe wanders over and  yanks the drink out of your hand and says "MINE!" at the top of his lungs.  Asshole, right? 

Or let's say you pull out your laptop to check your email.  Joe comes over and again, yanks it out of your hand and screams "MINE!" at the top of his lungs.  ASSHOLE. 

Or say Joe shits his pants.  He smells.  You tell him that he needs to get cleaned up, as he smells like crap.  "NO!" is shouted over his shoulder as he runs off to rub his ass on the couch.  ASS. HOLE.  

Toddlers are no different.  You just aren't allowed to call them assholes.  But face it, I'm living with a drunk midget with a speech disorder.  She topples over constantly and I barely understand her, and what I can gather is that I'm DOIN' IT ALL WRONG.

NO she does NOT want to eat the broccoli.
NO she does NOT want to put pants on.
No she does NOT want to brush her teeth. 

And I'm not even going to mention that her latest trick is to grab a movie and SMACK me with it while screaming "NOW!"

Sweet Mary Mother of Jeebus, WHAT NEXT?  And the worst part is you can't FORCE a toddler.  I mean, you can try, but you will lose.  Period.  Or at least if you try to force MY toddler.  It just collapses into tears and screaming and beating your head on the floor.

The toddler gets upset too.

So what to do? Let her be a picky-pantless-sticky dictator? 

That's sorta where I am right now. 

Which let me tell you is NO fun at all sometimes.  Because I feel completely clueless and helpless.

And I am STILL refusing to read those damn baby emails.  According to one of them she should be factoring polynomials in her sleep by this point.  (Well okay, not really, but you get my drift.)  But really, they're no fucking help.

Time out?

You're kidding me, RIGHT?
I can't even get her to sit in place while eating.  And you want me to try that while she's sobbing?  WHO WRITES THIS TRIPE??

Yet again I'm convinced that these people either don't have children, or their kids are on 'ludes. 

So what do I do? I'm back to that.  I still have no fucking clue. We've tried asking.  We've tried telling.  Telling firmly.  Hand slaps.  One spanking.  GUH.

This parenting thing are HARD.

I don't really have a conclusion for this one folks, as I'm in the fucking dark.  Leave me some input, I'll keep you posted.

Until then I guess I learn how to goose-step.  You know, to show the toddler proper respect. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

*taps the microphone*

This thing on? 

Good lord people. 

Never ever ever will I EVER underestimate the full-time working mother EVER again and niether should you.  That decision ruined RUINED my year.  Came close to tumbling my marriage.  And turned my daughter against me. 


So it's time for my year of sacrifice.  Time to scrimp and save in a manner that we never have before.  Because we can't afford for me to stay home.  But by god I'm going to try. 

Wanna come with on this journey?

Good.  Thought so.

Buckle up Buttercup.

Let's get this show on the road...