And other things I learned the hard way.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Do you hear what I hear?

So I'm sitting at the breakfast table yesterday morning, minding my own business and the child makes...a noise.

They do this a lot. And most of the noises aren't fit for making at a table where you eat.

This particular one was halfway between a cough and vomit.

I called it...a 'comit'.

Which lead me to actually MAKE A LIST of the weird noises/things my child makes/does.

Seriously. I have a LIST.

Full of disgusting noises/hobbies.

Obviously...I must share.

1.) comit - combo cough and vomit.
2.) vurp - combo burp and vomit. Kids are great like that.
3.) asspload - explosions. Via the ass. Worst thing ever first thing in the morning.
4.) neck cheese - grey goo that gets caught in the folds of her neck/chin(s).
5.) the phrase "did you check her crack?" which only applies to girl babies. It's gross. And usually heard directly following an asspload.
6.) hylork - the noise I hear as she shoves her whole fist down her mouth and gags herself.

I can't even describe how most of the time how truly gross this shit is. And the worst bit?

Every kid makes these noise.

Kids are fucking gross.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Simple Shit

Oh my friends.


Yesterday was one of those days.

I had been out of bed for five WHOLE minutes. Penny and Charlotte were doing their "Who can be more pitiful?" competition.

Gator was growling at me because his dish was empty.

I was trying desperately to pour milk into a sippy cup through sleep crusted eyes and accidentally tipped the fucking thing onto the floor.

The day JUST went downhill.

Throwing things.
Even the baby was having a spazz.

Downward we circled until about 2pm when I was twitching and constantly had tears in my eyes. I went to let the dogs out...

and Penny's leg was bleeding.


So there was a call to:
The vet.
Momma Kathy to babysit.
The vet again.
The old vet.
Momma Kathy.

By the end I really just wanted to dig my own eyes out with a rusted grapefruit spoon.

I know I'm supposed to be finding something good everyday but peeps, sometimes you just can't.

So this blog post is in appreciation of those fuck all kill me now ridiculous kind of days.

We are only human.
We do NOT (contrary to what some think) blow glitter out our snizz and shit rainbows.

And you know what?
That's okay.

Because it's not healthy to be delusionally happy and optimistic all the time.

By the time I crawled into bed that night about midnight Tuesday had beat me down and made me it's bitch.

So let's raise a glass to all the days that just kicked us between the legs. Because we must be REALLY strong to have the guts to get back out of bed the next day and try it again.

Our we're insane...jury's still out.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Several day of WINNING!

The talking...OH THE TALKING...

1.) New words at every corner. They aren't great or whole words. But purple, cookie, elmo, movie...the are all flying out of her mouth.

It's absolutely cutest that she now says good girl after we say it to her.

2.) One of my very bestest friends has not only managed to become engaged to a phenomenal gentleman, but last night was their italian themed engagement party. AND, as if that wasn't enough, she asked me to be IN her wedding. I am amazingly flattered and excited :)

3.) The cooler weather. I adore fall and I know I've mentioned it before, but it's totally worth of another round of cheers.

4.) Good times with good friends. Nothing beats a dancing Wookie with a sparkler.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


What the (littlest) Griffin done did eat.

I know I said I didn't like posed food.

But her lunch today was just too cute.

So I took a picture of it.

BBQ tofu, brussel sprouts tossed in coconut and mandarin oranges.


Oh yes...

Sure looks tasty, don't it?

Now let's play a game...what do you think she ate the most of.

*sings Jeopardy theme song. Off key*

Did you say TOFU?

Talk about a dark horse in that race.

My child LOVES that bbq tofu I made her. and that couldn't make me happier. I honestly wasn't sure how she'd feel about it. I love the fact that she's an adventurous little omnivore that I don't have to fight with to get her to eat.

Though Todd was most impressed with the fact that she ate the whole meal off a plate for the first time and didn't fling it like a frisbee.


To each their own I guess.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Simple Pleasures

A few days worth...

The No Suck Zone:
1.) The new word is "cookie". It's ADORABLE.

2.) Have you seen those new huggie diaper commericals? With Acro-Butt? That's TOTALLY her lately.

3.) Today she drank ALL of her milk out of her sippy until her nini baba.

4.) One day I may again say 'night time' instead of 'ni ni'.

5.) I made a nice bastard eggplant Parmesan.

I know I didn't post everyday...I warned you! :)

Love and face punches,

Monday, September 12, 2011

This is NOT a democracy!

...and other crazy things I've said to my kid.

I said that one day while chasing after her to finish changing her diaper.

I had JUST taken the diaper off and she crawled away naked. So I yanked her back and the screaming started. I said loudly "This is NOT a democracy! This is a matriarchy!"

We were walking through the grocery store the one day and she kept gagging herself. I mean repeatedly. She'd stick her little fingers down her throat and HY-YAK!...this morning's biscuit. At one point I grab her little hand and harsh whisper "Would you STOP gagging yourself? It's GROSS!"

And a passing woman chuckles and says "Oh I remember that phase..."

Hummus night is bath night in our house. No questions asked. Because every time...EVERY. TIME. I server her hummus she ends up wearing it. Like in her hair. Or lathering her hands with it like soap. So that as I'm bathing her I say things like "How did you get hummus in your ear?"

Playtime in a little intense some days. And the cat has the unfortunately habit of wanting to sleep in the sunny patches. And Charlotte, the sharing soul that she is toddles over to the sleeping cat with her toy and I have to say "No No! We don't hit the kitty with the bus!"

And...related to animals: WE DON'T EAT HAIR/FUZZ!

I'm sure we aren't alone as parents with the crazy shit that comes out of our mouth. But it's definately something that wasn't covered in that damn baby book. And the crap they make you say in public!!

*throws her hands up*

So tell me, fellow parents...or hell, even non-parents that have over heard it...what's the weirdest thing you've heard said to a kid?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Simple Pleasure

No Suck Zone:
1.) Today was VERY low key, as in we didn't leave the house. But! She started to "tip toe" run, which is awesome.

2.) Buffalo Bills whopped the shit out of Kansas City. Maybe this year? Maybe Buffalo?

Love and face punches,

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Simple Pleasure

We took Charlotte to the Cider Mill today. Low key, but lots of fun. Came home for our first WALKING romp out in the grass. Took a bazillion pictures.

AND dragged down the 12 foot tall killer rosebushes.

Today was win :)

Friday, September 9, 2011

Day late, no dollars short

No suck zone:

1.) Yesterday I spent time with some old friends that I hadn't seen all at the same time in almost 8 years. It was glorious. I got out of the house and had a much needed recharge.

2.) I finally got all the grocery shopping done. Even though I forgot catfood. And Charlotte threw a three hour fit when we got home...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Simple Pleasure, day 6

1.) Todd and I took the bambina to the science museum here in B'lo for the day.

Holy SHIT did we have a lot of fun!

There were replicas of Leonardo DaVinci's machines on display. So of COURSE we tried loading the baby into the canon.

But honestly, so so so much fun.

2.) We grilled again tonight. Chevetta's chicken on a dismay fall day is just MADE of epic win.

3.) I get to grocery shop alone. You may look at me funny, but it's ME time. I get a soda and leisurely stroll the isles with no baby in the cart throwing a fit. I'm even putting on lipstick for this shit.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Simple Pleasures, day 5

1.) I took Charlotte to my favorite consignment shop today and for the first time let her walk around the store. We came home with a new Elmo doll. The look of utter RAPTURE on her face when she saw him, $5 was nothing to pay for it :)

2.) We have our SECOND phrase off her lips. We were in her room and going through her drawers and pulling out the too small clothes. She was "helping" (read - taking everything OUT of the box I was putting it in) and the dogs started barking in the other room. She got to her feet, walked to the door and started pulling at the knob. I asked her what she wanted to do and she threw her arms towards the door pointing and said "GO PUPPIES!".

3.) I whipped dinner off on the fly. EVOO, garlic and pesto. Tossed in some spaghetti. Added some fresh cherry tomato slices and plucked basil off my plants. Topped with generous amount of Parmesan cheese. Oh. So. Good.

4.) Two words for you: Fall. Day.

Love and face punches,

Monday, September 5, 2011

Simple Pleasure, Day 4

Let's see here...

The No Suck Zone:
1.) Todd did some hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill. Which was nice considering how cool of a day that it was.

2.) A cool day. Thank GOD it's finally fall. I love summer. But fall is my fav :)

3.) Today was FINALLY better. After day upon day of fail I NEEDED a low key day that WORKED.

And lastly:

4.) "What's this?" is totally the baby's new phrase. SEE THAT?? TWO WORDS!! (course, it sounds like wut's dis?)

Love and face punches,

Sunday, September 4, 2011

WTGDDE Ver 3.0

Oh yes, this is MY child digging in a vat of KFC mac n cheese.


So as our summer winds to a close, let's take a look at some of the highlights, shall we? Culinary style!

We took Charlotte to the zoo for the first time in June. And we also had our first picnic.

Picnics are obviously srs bidniz.

Daddy and her shared her first ice cream cone :)

Then THE BIRTHDAY came and went...

Daddy made brisket!

Fourth of July hit and we did NOT have the energy to cook.


Mid july came and we did some Hawaiian bbq-ing.

Hawaiian chicken and pineapple brown rice.

Someone had pasta...

July drew to a close. Hey, you ever wonder how the Griffins do coffee? :)

Breakfast of champions: leftover sausage that was cooked up the night before with garlic, butter and beer. Homedid home fries. Spinach and egg white scrambles. Homedid bread.

August rolled in and Todd did most of the cooking.

Smoked ribs, mac n cheese and homedid bread.

Charlotte discovered handheld omelets while we were on vacation.

I made Yankee Pot roast Casserole! Which unfortunately doesn't photograph well. This is the best of the bunch...

And so far, that's what we got :)

I've tried a few more recipes this summer, those pics are coming.

How do we feel about THIS kind of food pr0n? :)

Love and face punches,

Simple Pleasures, day 3

So I'm not sure if this counts but it made me laugh to tears, soo...

The No Suck Zone:
1.) My cat has a VERY annoying habit of jumping on the stove. I've tried everything I know of to get him off. Well today I forgot I left the broiler pan in the over so when I went to put dinner in I just took the pan out and set it on top of the stove. Well, idiot cat tried to jump up there and burned his little feetsies. Upside? Think the little bastard finally learned his lesson.

In other news, I'm just in slump. Aside from a string of fails on my personal part, I'm just down in the proverbial dumps. Here's hoping that tomorrow and the day after that are better.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Simple Pleasures, day 2

I am in a rabid mood. Purely volatile. Horrifically nasty.

This is really really short today.

The No Suck Zone:

1.) The kid said "Elmo". Clearly. Questioningly. While looking at the dvds. As in "Mother dear, WHERE are all the Elmo shows??"

I don't really have anything else.

I had fully intended to post today about the amazingness that were to be my homedid cinnamon rolls.

Alas, I failed.

No, that's not true...the RECIPE failed me.

But, in case you think that because I have a blog, and I'm funny and I cook things that I am without flaw...allow me to correct you.

They didn't rise. They were hard. And they took twice as long to bake as they should have.

*stabby eyes*

So there you go. Indignant happiness. Happiness against my will.

She said Elmo. *sigh*

Better tomorrow? One can hope.

Hopefully she won't get stuck IN the wrought iron railing again today.

Oh yes...again.

But THAT is another blog.

Love and face punches,

Friday, September 2, 2011

What the hell did you just say?

Dith. Gah-go. Tzsi-tzsi!

These are words I hear daily in my house. Several thousand times a day. And until very recently I had NO IDEA what they hell they meant. I live with the kid 24 hours a day and I have no fucking clue what she's trying to say most of the time.

And then I got to thinking that if you didn't even have kids in the first place you'd be TOTALLY lost. So I had the idea, being the truly helpful person that I am, that I should put together a small guide for my child-less followers.

1.) Dith. (n) This. applies to everything. Some possible translations include 'Is this mine?' 'What is this?' or 'I'm hungry, feed me.'

2.) Tzsi-Tzsi!! (n) Kitty. See also - KIKI!! and Woooooow!

3.) MAH BA!! I'm thirsty where's my fucking bottle?

4.) No no! (action) Child actually has NO idea they are DOING a 'no no', only recognize that you are SAYING it. And makes it very hard to discipline them with a straight face as they imitate you while smiling.

5.) Uh oh... Self explanatory. If you hear this it's usually directly following a crash or a spill.

6.) NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO! (action complete with stiff angry pencil body and total caterwauling) You've just tried taking something away, changing a diaper or putting them in a bathtub. Knock it off.

And then there are some words that I think are only specific to my baby.

Like Gah-go.

I had no idea what a "gah-go" was. She was babbling it ALL WEEKEND.

Gah-go. Gah-g.o Gah-go. I am Alley's twitching left eye.

And then she saw our dog, Gator when we came home from a mini-vacation. She threw her arms towards him and shrieked GAH-GO!! as loud as she could. She'd been calling for the dog all weekend while we were away. Ain't that some shit?

But generally speaking this language development stage is pretty awesome. She tries so hard to say what I do or do what I do. Like a tiny determined parrot.

The other day I caught her scrubbing the printer with a dryer sheet. But that's a whole different blog :)

Now, there will come times when even with experience, you will have NO IDEA what the child is trying to say.

Mah hable do buughp doo fa? HA!



Times like this, theatre training comes in VERY handy. If you have ever played a single improvisational game you know the very first rule is "Yes, and...?"

Meaning, whatever the other person says, agree. Yes. And? Expand.

Mah hable do buughp doo fa? HA!

Your response: HA yourself! And then what? What next?
(Hand gestures help, because then chances are they will point or show you what they are trying to get you to understand. Though generally speaking it's still something vague like a random flip flop.)

I use this tactic A LOT in the grocery store. She thinks we are talking when really
I am just trying to prevent a class four meltdown. And I'll say things like "Oh really?" "Then what happened?" "Well, what did she say?" "THAT BITCH!" To be hoenst, I get strange looks on that last one. But we aren't stopping swearing around her (that TOO is another blog entirely).

And then of course, there's lately in the Griffin house: everything is puppies. EVERYTHING.

Out the window? Puppiths.
In the fridge? Puppiths.
Does your diaper stink?...


Kids are weird.

This is by NO means an all encompassing list. But it's a start. So next time you're alone in an elevator with a toddler, at least now you have something better to ask them like whether or not they want free candy. It's outside in your van...

Love and face punches,

Alright dammit, let's be positive

It has come to my attention, courtesy of my awesome friend Lynn (of yogurt cheese fame) that September is the month in which to appreciate the little things. The 'simple pleasures' if you will.

See, there's a graphic and EVERYTHING. It must be official.

The goal of this month is to realize that not every day is a total waste (I remain unconvinced) and that with proper time management you can find time every day to appreciate the simple things.


I think this is exactly what I need.

You may have noticed I have a...temper. Yeah, we'll go with that word (though, "scathing bitch" would also have been acceptable.)

And several weeks ago I instituted a new mantra into my life.

What other people think of me is none of my business.

And so far, to be brutally honest, I haven't had much success with it. But I'm human. I'm flawed.

So this month is going to be another notch in the belt of being an adult and trying to wrangle my life into some semblance of order.

A two fold mission this month! A re-re-RE-dedication to blogging. In conjunction with finding time every day to think about what things DIDN'T suck the big one.

So here's today's list.

The No Suck Zone:

1.) Ghost Stories by Jim Butcher. I love this author. And his new book is really dark, but really good. It's like Empire, but less muppets and more death.

2.) In relations to The Wars...Charlotte pulled a dvd off the shelf and handed it to me, as it now custom. I looked at it and asked "You want to watch Star Wars: The Clone Wars?" And she threw her arms in the arm and said "YEAH!".

3.) Apparently they still put toys in cereal boxes. We (Charlotte) got a matchbox car today. Which was completely random and you should have seen the little happy face on her.

Now here is where I tell you I will try to make a list everyday, but I know myself better.

But sweet flaming jeebs I'll try :)

Feel free to leave your own "no suck" in the comments. Or if the sort of thing doesn't jump out and bite you, feel free to leave a No Love letter. Those warm my heart like no other.

Love and face punches,