And other things I learned the hard way.

Friday, September 2, 2011

What the hell did you just say?

Dith. Gah-go. Tzsi-tzsi!

These are words I hear daily in my house. Several thousand times a day. And until very recently I had NO IDEA what they hell they meant. I live with the kid 24 hours a day and I have no fucking clue what she's trying to say most of the time.

And then I got to thinking that if you didn't even have kids in the first place you'd be TOTALLY lost. So I had the idea, being the truly helpful person that I am, that I should put together a small guide for my child-less followers.

1.) Dith. (n) This. applies to everything. Some possible translations include 'Is this mine?' 'What is this?' or 'I'm hungry, feed me.'

2.) Tzsi-Tzsi!! (n) Kitty. See also - KIKI!! and Woooooow!

3.) MAH BA!! I'm thirsty where's my fucking bottle?

4.) No no! (action) Child actually has NO idea they are DOING a 'no no', only recognize that you are SAYING it. And makes it very hard to discipline them with a straight face as they imitate you while smiling.

5.) Uh oh... Self explanatory. If you hear this it's usually directly following a crash or a spill.

6.) NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO! (action complete with stiff angry pencil body and total caterwauling) You've just tried taking something away, changing a diaper or putting them in a bathtub. Knock it off.

And then there are some words that I think are only specific to my baby.

Like Gah-go.

I had no idea what a "gah-go" was. She was babbling it ALL WEEKEND.

Gah-go. Gah-g.o Gah-go. I am Alley's twitching left eye.

And then she saw our dog, Gator when we came home from a mini-vacation. She threw her arms towards him and shrieked GAH-GO!! as loud as she could. She'd been calling for the dog all weekend while we were away. Ain't that some shit?

But generally speaking this language development stage is pretty awesome. She tries so hard to say what I do or do what I do. Like a tiny determined parrot.

The other day I caught her scrubbing the printer with a dryer sheet. But that's a whole different blog :)

Now, there will come times when even with experience, you will have NO IDEA what the child is trying to say.

Mah hable do buughp doo fa? HA!



Times like this, theatre training comes in VERY handy. If you have ever played a single improvisational game you know the very first rule is "Yes, and...?"

Meaning, whatever the other person says, agree. Yes. And? Expand.

Mah hable do buughp doo fa? HA!

Your response: HA yourself! And then what? What next?
(Hand gestures help, because then chances are they will point or show you what they are trying to get you to understand. Though generally speaking it's still something vague like a random flip flop.)

I use this tactic A LOT in the grocery store. She thinks we are talking when really
I am just trying to prevent a class four meltdown. And I'll say things like "Oh really?" "Then what happened?" "Well, what did she say?" "THAT BITCH!" To be hoenst, I get strange looks on that last one. But we aren't stopping swearing around her (that TOO is another blog entirely).

And then of course, there's lately in the Griffin house: everything is puppies. EVERYTHING.

Out the window? Puppiths.
In the fridge? Puppiths.
Does your diaper stink?...


Kids are weird.

This is by NO means an all encompassing list. But it's a start. So next time you're alone in an elevator with a toddler, at least now you have something better to ask them like whether or not they want free candy. It's outside in your van...

Love and face punches,

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