And other things I learned the hard way.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I'm not a mean parent, you're just a pansy.

I catch flack sometimes for being "mean".

Lemmie 'splain.

SCENE: Interior. Grocery store. Charlotte is in the shopping cart while Alley picks up groceries. All at once the smiling happy, chipper baby turns into a mutant from space. Her sole mission is to piss Alley off and make life embarrassing.

Charlotte - *weeps big and fake like and tosses her snack cup to the floor*

Alley -*picks it up* That's one. Calm your butt down, Pookie. *continues to pull things off shelf, mostly non-pulsed*

A few moments go by.

Alley won't let Charlotte hold what she's trying to put in the cart.

Charlotte - *screams in indignant fury and chucks her cup to the floor again.*

Alley - *stops and look the toddler right in the eyes* Hey! Knock it off. Toss this again and I take it away, you dig? *hands her the cup*

Charlotte - *looks contrite*

A few more moments go by.

There is a rogue gust of wind or an odd smell. Something completely invisible and sets the toddler off onto a full blown mental meltdown where she tries to simultaneously propel herself from the cart, scream until she's purple, and toss anything she can reach onto the floor.

Alley - *grabs the toddler's hands and holds them firmly so they stop flailing* Hey! I said knock the crap OFF! *forcibly takes the items from the kid's hands and shoves them out of her reach in the diaper bag*

Child looks furious and unhappy, but most importantly is NOT CRYING or making a scene.

Alley gets nasty looks and under breath "tut tuts" from people standing around her.


I don't FUCKING understand this.

Am I supposed to let the kid just flip her shit over nothing for no reason and piss off the people around us?

Because you KNOW that kid. That kid at the store or wherever in public you are that's having a class five meltdown and the parent is doing NOTHING.

Meanwhile your water glass cracks and your hair starts to vibrate. And you would give nothing else in the world to go over there and LIGHT THE CHILD ON FIRE to shut it up.

I don't want to be that family.

So can someone PLEASE explain to me for the love of GOD, why when I put my kid's ass in place I get nasty looks.

I didn't hit her, or man-handle her in any way. I was FIRM. I wasn't mean. I wasn't telling her that I didn't love her. I was telling her to cut the shit, it wasn't appropriate.

HOW is this bad???

Have we finally turned into such a spineless politically correct society that even disciplining your OWN child is wrong?

I mean, we've seen what happens when we take discipline out of the classroom. I can't tell you how many teacher friends I have that literally CAN'T or aren't ALLOWED to set their class in line.

I have VERY clear memories of one kid in my class getting spanked. And you know what? Little bastard probably deserved it.

But seriously, no red pen. No raising your voice. No threats. SHIT, how are you supposed maintain control? I mean, did I miss a fucking memo? Aren't the ADULTS in charge?

And let's talk about hitting. There is a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE between laying a beatdown on your child that leaves them bruised - that's bad. And slapping their hands away from things dangerous/not for babies. Like...oh...say...POWER CORDS.

Charlotte has this THING with power cords. As in one of her hobbies is to try to sneak past me, unplug them and STICK THEM IN HER MOUTH.

This is such a universally bad idea on so many levels.

And because this has been going on long enough that she should really KNOW by now not to touch them, they are definitely a no no, she gets a hand slap. Not 5, or 10. Usually just one or two, depending on how many times I've had to say "NO NO".

I had someone tell me that "We don't hit our child because it teaches them that it's okay to hit other people." So judging by this, does that mean I'm teaching Charlotte it's okay to smack a bitch when she gets out of line? Yes? GOOD. My daughter will have a fine life ahead of her as a pimp.

But seriously folks, I see no issues. And quite frankly, it's my child.

I mean hell, there's a TON of parenting decisions I don't think are worth a pot to piss in. But, it's your kid. You have to live with the consequences of crappy rearing, not me. You don't see me bitching about it--

*looks at blog*


Oh, you know what I mean.

And I know I know, I'm supposed to have a mantra - What other people think of me is none of my business.

But I am merely human. And fail. A lot.

Yet another sparkling reason for this blog.

Love and punches,

Monday, August 15, 2011

What to expect when you're..reading?

Me and this camera. I swear to God, if I could beat up or smite and inanimate object of my choice it would be this goddamn camera.

Between it not turning on. Sucking batteries dry in minutes. Not taking pictures. And the most recent stupidity, the shutter didn't open.

UGH *throws her arms up*

I keep meaning and wanting to take photos.

But the goddamn assface camera...


So, things that I HAVE managed to capture on film that you should expect to see soon:
1.) Cute baby on teh go go
3.) Toymaking 101. (I know I've mentioned this blog before, but I'm still working on it.)
4.) Baby Thesaurus. No, not a dinosaur, a phonetic guide to what your kid might b saying. (this one should be fun, feel free to send me your contributions and I can add them)

So hopefully in the next few days I can get one or two of these up.

Until then, y'all keep being awesome and I'll try to keep the funny coming.

Love and a punch to the face,

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This is how 98% of my days start

My eyes aren't even open yet. And Penny is howling from the kitchen like someone is hurting her.

I try to block it out, but know that I can't move. If she hears me move, the howling will get louder. So I lay there, on my back, eyes screw closed, willing her to shut the fuck up and not wake the ba--


...mother fucker.

I open my eyes and try to grind the sleep out. I am so tired I ached down into my bones. And it's like those two are having a competitions, who can sound more pathetic. It's tied.

I stumble into the baby's room greeted by smiles and my munchkin jumping up and down in her crib. It's sweet until I see the huge crap stain on the sheet and know that her diaper exploded, again, during the night (don't give me that line about going up a size, she's wearing a size six. SIX. for babies over 37 pounds.)

So I wrestle the spastically happy morning child onto the changing table and use no less than 30 wipes to try and de-poop the child. In the process it smears on my arm, her foot, she smears her foot ON the changing pad, which now with the sheets I have to wash today. So I have to get her dressed on the floor. And she tries crawling away, I have to pull her back to me about six times.

I have to pee really badly.

And the dog is STILL howling.

And now the cats woken up and prances into the room and yowls.

"You there! Human! Feed me! I don't care if you are literally covered in shit! Deliver me food!"

I get her dressed and take her with me into the bathroom to do my business so I can watch and pee at the same time. She combs the carpet with my hairbrush.

The cat wanders in to try and jump on my lap and yowl.

Except he misses and rips open my thigh.

And the dos is STILL howling.

I get the baby downstairs (slapping the dog in the process) and strap her into her chair. I open the fridge and see I will have to buy milk before this weekend.

I will use a wic che--do I have a wic appointment today?

Where's my wic folder?

*disclaimer* I loose this fucking folder ALL THE TIME. I TRY to put it in the same place, it gets moved. It falls behind furniture on the floor. Todd tried to help by putting it in the bill rack, but it is, in fact the OLD folder. So I spend 10 minutes TEARING through my house trying to find this fucking folder so I can figure out if I have an appointment today. (you can substitute "did I send in my student loan papers?" or any other time sensitive chore you like here)

Find it. Nope. Thursday.

I let the dogs out. It's raining. They refuse to budge from the porch. And howl to let me know this.

The cat tries leaping up on the counter to help with his yowling process, I smack him down.

I open a cup of mandarin oranges for the young one and she starts wolfing happily, while simultaneously yowling like that cat. She's having fun.

My left eye starts to vibrate.

I feed the dogs and then let them in, they growl and snap at each other as they run in opposite directions towards their food dishes.

I look up and the cat is on the baby's high chair table eating her oranges.

I use all the willpower I have NOT to stab it to death. Instead I chuck it physically from the room while screaming in tongues.

The baby looks at me and shakes her finger and says "No no!"

"That's right, bad kitty."

Gator flips his now empty dish over in fury because it's empty and grunts at me.

I fill Charlotte's bottle with milk, unlatch her and drag her into the living room while she babbles at a volume level of 156 about "deekles" and "flurmies". I turn on PBS and collapse in this computer chair.

I'm starving and yet completely lack any energy to get up and make myself food. My left ass check is a center of pain which means my sciatica is acting up. AGAIN. My bones ACHE. I'm getting a migraine. And I have more house cleaning and a trip to Rochester to make today.

So now you understand why I'm not usually a fucking ray of sunshine first thing in the am.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

And give us this day our home-did bread

Bread. I fucking BAKE IT.

I'll be honest, baking bread from scratch scared the crap out of me. There's yeast. And rising. And kneading. Easily about a dozen things that I could screw up.

And then a friend of mine turned me on to Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day.

People, when I say this shit is easy, this SHIT is EASY. Easy like Sunday morning kind of easy. Before you judge and/or attempt, YouTube the video. Watch it. I did all those steps exactly and KAPOW! BREAD!

So let's go.

You will need: bucket, or large tall lidded vessel, flour, water, kosher salt and yeast. (Not giving recipe, the YouTube video does it WAY more justice than I could.)

1.) Toss all that crap into your vessel. Stir until gooey mess.

2.) Use a sturdy spoon, it's quite thick.

3.) Let it chill out on your counter for two hours. It will rise to the occasion.

4.) I did NOT chill my dough after this. It's recommended, but the recipe said you could bake it right away. So I decided to go ahead and do that. Preheat oven WITH pizza stone in it. Make a pound lump of dough and place on mound of cornmeal. Let rest for about 40 minutes.

5.) Dust with flour and slice top artistically.

6.) Bake on stone 450 for 35 with pan of water underneath. Again, their website does it a lot more justice than I could, so I will just recommend that you read the 'back to basics' section and it breaks it down for you.

And theeeeeennnn...


Bread! We just fucking baked some!

**DO NOT CUT YOUR BREAD UNTIL FULLY COOLED** it keeps the inside from turning gummy.

Now, as an interesting aside, I did some quick and dirty math in regards to cost. My preferred loaf of bread costs more than $3 a loaf. This method...60 cents.

I'll repeat that for the people in the back.


Now granted the loafs are small.

BUT, that batch that you made is four pounds of dough. So you make one loaf and can store the rest in your fridge up to two weeks. And when I say that the shaping/baking process is simple I'm totally not yanking your crank. It's hella simple. So in theory something you could pop right in the oven while working on dinner stove top to have for the next day.

You may be asking yourself "Alley, how teh effs does any of this relate to parenthood?" Well, I don't know about you, but I've found having a child to be sort of expensive. And I am trying like hell to nip costs where I can. And 60 cents a loaf for bread? Yes please. Plus, again, I can feed this to her in total confidence that I know exactly what is in it, how fresh it is, who touched it...blah blah blah.

Disclaimer - I am FULLY aware that not everyone has the time in their life to make home-did bread. Doesn't make me better than you that I can. I stay at home all day! I'm sure with better time management I could build an ark in my backyard! I revert back to my previous WTGDDE post when I say I don't want people to feel guilty or bad if they CAN'T do something like this.

But in all seriousness I really recommend this method. I whipped the dough up during nap time and popped it in the oven when Todd got home from work. With no kneading there's very little "My hands are covered in dough, Mommy can't pick you up right now Sweetie!" times.

Next to come...wheat bread topped with oats! Cheese bread! Stay tuned!

Until then, manja bitches!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Super Happy Fun Baby Bean Mash

...or hummus as you may know it.

Now, I know that hummus isn't for everyone. But I have to be honest, I fucking LOVE me some hummus. So when I approached Charlotte with it as one of her very first solids, I was SUPER excited about it. I'm betting that's what has helped to her like it.

Or maybe my kid just likes beans. She'll eat them straight from the can.

Or maybe my hummus is just badass tasty. I'm banking money on that too.

But regardless of the reason, here is my disclaimer: Not every baby may like this. And that's totally cool! They won't DIE if they don't eat hummus. BUT this is a TOTAL WINNER in my house and I'm super confident feeding it to her because I know exactly what goes into it. Plus I lather it on roasted veggie crackers and ZOMFG it's like baby crack.

So let's get started!

You will need:

Food processor, two cans beans of choice*1, cumin*2, lemon juice*3, EVOO, garlic, cheese, spinach*4, kosher salt.

*1 Hummus is NOT just garbanzo beans, at least not in this house :) I've used pink, red and even black beans. Today however, I used one can garbanzo, one can small white.
*2 USUALLY the spice of choice is tahini. I admit, I've never bought the stuff. I use cumin every time and no one complains.
*3 I do agree though that FRESH lemon juice just is the bomb. However, most times I don't have any. So I use bottled.
*4 I've also used spring mix, arugula and basically anything green and leafy in the hummus. However, it's not NEEDED. I just like it. Same with the cheese.

1.) Drain your bean juice into a bowl. You may or may not need it later. Rinse the beans and put them into your food processor.

2.) Crank you food processor on and LEAVE it on. I usually go wash my hands. As the beans break down they will release more of their natural oils the longer they're mashed. This means less liquid you will have to add to it later to thin it out. But when you're satisfied, they should still look a little stiff.

3.) Start the proc back up and add in +/- 2 TBS lemon juice, 1 TBS EVOO, 1 tsp salt and +/- 2 tsp cumin while running. It should thin out considerably. But don't make it TOO thin. You can't make it thicker, but you can *always* make it thinner. And nobody like hummus soup.

4.) Add in your greens, garlic and cheese. No measurements. Completely to taste.

5.) Here's how you tell it's too thick, your greens barely move in the mix.

This is what we saved the bean juice for! So again, while running I add about two Mississippi's worth of juice. Total accurate measurements, huh? :)

But again, play it by eye. You're hummus should scrape off the side with just a swish of your spoon.

Annnnnnd that's it! Let's give it a taste taste...

I will probably eat this every day for the next week, same with the baby. I will make wraps and use this instead of mayo. I will spread it on crackers. I will dip carrot sticks in it. I Fucking Love Hummus.

And I'm not the only one! Look how totally super happy fun she is! She's so excited she doesn't even have EYES!!

Enjoy folks!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

So here's the skit...

My camera is officially dead. Which sorta sucks because this camera was on loan to replace my ACTUAL camera that died.

I just have no fucking luck when it comes to technology apparently.

So all the fantabulous home-did specials I had planned (Super Happy Fun Baby Bean Mash, Toymaking 101) and WTGDDE (because I've been on a roll of AWESOME FOOD) and even a garden update (onions, I fucking GROW THEM!) ALLL have been tossed shamelessly to the wayside because I can't snap pictures.

Or draw crappy pictures. (Anyone, anyone else know that blog? I loves it.)

Soooo...I'm at an crossroads. I can either simply explain my home-dids sans pictures. Or wait until I get a new camera (My birthday is on the 29th. Seriously, I need a freaking camera).

Or, like I am doing now, open this up to the peanut gallery.

My darlings, what would you like to see?

I realize that I've fallen slack in the blogging, but a combination of the aforementioned camera ass-fuckery and extreme business in the social commitment/doctor appointments/Alley having an ultra-personal and completely horrendous reaction to a new medication...kinda left me whipped.

But I'm here! I'm doing things! I'm making things! I have things to say dammit!

What would you like to see/hear? Lemmie know.

And if the blog-o-sphere here won't let you comment, drop me some love on AssBook.

Oh and a quick recap of other fun things that's going on:

Vocabulary (words used PROPERLY): 7
Newest word/phrase: Thank you (used at completely improper times)
Steps taken: 1
Reaction from step: Sit down and protest
What happened when we turned on Indiana Jones last week: Dancing and clapping
Number of teeth: 9 (SOOO happy I'm not breastfeeding at this point)
Times she's tried to eat the cat's face: I've lost count. Seriously.

Drop me love! Let me know! Or drop me hate. I work pretty well in both directions...