And other things I learned the hard way.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I live with a midget dictator

Oh.  Two years old.  Land of "MINE!" and "NO!" and "GIMMIE!".

Where the fuck did my sweet baby go? 

The Terrible Twos ate her and spit out this short asshole. 

And before you get all offended that I just called my child an asshole, let's clarify something...

Let's say you're hanging out with your friend Joe.  You get up and get yourself something to drink from the kitchen.  As you sit back down, Joe wanders over and  yanks the drink out of your hand and says "MINE!" at the top of his lungs.  Asshole, right? 

Or let's say you pull out your laptop to check your email.  Joe comes over and again, yanks it out of your hand and screams "MINE!" at the top of his lungs.  ASSHOLE. 

Or say Joe shits his pants.  He smells.  You tell him that he needs to get cleaned up, as he smells like crap.  "NO!" is shouted over his shoulder as he runs off to rub his ass on the couch.  ASS. HOLE.  

Toddlers are no different.  You just aren't allowed to call them assholes.  But face it, I'm living with a drunk midget with a speech disorder.  She topples over constantly and I barely understand her, and what I can gather is that I'm DOIN' IT ALL WRONG.

NO she does NOT want to eat the broccoli.
NO she does NOT want to put pants on.
No she does NOT want to brush her teeth. 

And I'm not even going to mention that her latest trick is to grab a movie and SMACK me with it while screaming "NOW!"

Sweet Mary Mother of Jeebus, WHAT NEXT?  And the worst part is you can't FORCE a toddler.  I mean, you can try, but you will lose.  Period.  Or at least if you try to force MY toddler.  It just collapses into tears and screaming and beating your head on the floor.

The toddler gets upset too.

So what to do? Let her be a picky-pantless-sticky dictator? 

That's sorta where I am right now. 

Which let me tell you is NO fun at all sometimes.  Because I feel completely clueless and helpless.

And I am STILL refusing to read those damn baby emails.  According to one of them she should be factoring polynomials in her sleep by this point.  (Well okay, not really, but you get my drift.)  But really, they're no fucking help.

Time out?

You're kidding me, RIGHT?
I can't even get her to sit in place while eating.  And you want me to try that while she's sobbing?  WHO WRITES THIS TRIPE??

Yet again I'm convinced that these people either don't have children, or their kids are on 'ludes. 

So what do I do? I'm back to that.  I still have no fucking clue. We've tried asking.  We've tried telling.  Telling firmly.  Hand slaps.  One spanking.  GUH.

This parenting thing are HARD.

I don't really have a conclusion for this one folks, as I'm in the fucking dark.  Leave me some input, I'll keep you posted.

Until then I guess I learn how to goose-step.  You know, to show the toddler proper respect. 


  1. They say you should pick your battles. Usually that means pick the battle where what they're doing is dangerous or destructive and don't worry about the times when they're picking their nose.
    For me it means if I'm nursing the baby she gets away with murder. If I can actually get up she better watch out.
    It's really not a good strategy.

  2. Picking her nose is adorable at this point. She'll bring it to you and ask for a tissue and say "EWWW GROSS!" Everything she says is said in ALL CAPS. Because MAN it's important.