And other things I learned the hard way.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Reasons why it SUCKS to be a Mom

I have a love/hate relationship with being a mother.

If you are my friend on facebook you are already VERY aware of this.

And I'm pretty sure that every woman has these feelings. But guilt makes most of them shut that face.

Luckily I have no shame and I don't fart sunshine 24/7.

1.) My child will be the MOST active and MOST demanding the day I have amazingly bad pms/cramps, or a migraine, or am on my deathbed with sickness. Every. Single. Time.
Days when I AM farting sunshine she ignores me for the dogs.

2.) Her baby gates are trying to kill me. I can't even tell you how many times in the past year I have half asleep caught my foot on one and toppled face first, ass over tea kettle into the hallway while just trying to make it to the bathroom to take my morning piss.

3.) On the topic of pee, because I had a baby, I now pee if I sneeze too hard. Awesome.

4.) The underpart of your foot, the fleshy arch is hands down one of THE most sensitive areas on your body. So of COURSE that is the area of your body that finds the only pointy toy your child has. Usually it's a shape with corners from her box/sorter thing. Or one of those wooden puzzle pieces. Plastic grip facing up of course.

5.) When you are starving to the point where your blood sugar has dropped and you are shaking and sweating she will NOT eat. No matter what you put in front of her. Of course, you must assure she starts eating before you do. It's what mom's do.

6.) In the early days I would go 7 hours without a bathroom break. Sneezing at that time was a game of urine roulette.

7.) One word - Elmo.

8.) At 2am when you are trying to put together a bottle with one eye open, chances are you are going to spill the breast milk ALL over the floor. And then cry. It's how these things work. Meanwhile the baby is STILL screaming. Like she has been for four hours.

9.) Her tiny bursts of complete irrational anger. Over things that can hurt her. Like when you won't let her play with tin cans out of the trash. Or stick the end of power cables in her mouth. How DARE I want to keep her alive.

(I wrote this MONTHS ago and never finished it.  I fished it out of the edit pile this AM and played urine roulette reading it.  I hope you enjoy.  Here it is, unedited.)

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