And other things I learned the hard way.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Picture is worth a thousand fails

Hey kids. I don't have much time these days, what with the baby tapping my boobs like a fraternity keg. But I haven't forgotten you ;) In lieu of a wordy update, unfortunately you are going to have to make do with a few photos I've taken recently. Of shit that is blatant outright LIES. Enjoy :)

Okay, not only have I definitely NOT seen a reduction in colic, but the damn things leak. And if it were something as innocent at water, I probably wouldn't care. But in the middle of the night and you are trying to get the air out of the bottle and end up loosing two ounces of breast milk to your kitchen floor it REALLY sucks. I actually said this morning "Do you know how long it took me to make all that??"

And...speaking of leaks...

Leakguards my ASS. More specifically, my daughter's ass. Which has blown out these "guards" more times than I care to mention. She's freaking nine pounds. This should NOT be that hard to "guard" against. Luvs. You fucking suck. End of story.

Related news: things my baby wears...

This looks so simple right? See that docile calm child with the Mona Lisa smile? These instructions would lead you to believe that your child will slip into this thing like an angel. I mean, they even named the damn thing HALO. Okay, it doesn't work that way. In fact, the only Halo I will compare this to is the video game. There was screaming and I was confused. And how simple this Velcro looks? LIES!! I kept getting her arm all bunched up funny.

Speaking of bunching up...

Again, another illustration of a calm wonder baby being happily strapped into her car seat. Do you have any idea how hard it is to check for "finger width" on the straps while your child is flailing and convulsing in the seat. Plus the head bumpers it came with originally weren't the right size for her, so her head kept lolling around like a rag doll. One more than one occasion I had to reach into the back seat and said "Dammit, the baby's head is on sideways again." Who comes up with these pictures?? I bet it's the same high school dropouts that wrote the instructions for our Pack'n'Play that WEREN'T EVEN IN ENGLISH!

Well, there you have it, a short little list of the most recent things that are pissing me off.

Future blogs to include: Being a dumbass and assuming my child is the wrong gender, How to incorrectly use your Boppy correctly (pictorial guide), and Dealing with dipshits and their moronic advice (special attention given to total strangers, co-workers and your mother.)

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