The Problem with Sparkle Moms

Sparkle Mom - (n) a woman either pregnant or with children that insists that everything about her pregnancy/motherhood was a dream. Generally states that her children are textbook perfect without any major problems. Usually huge big fat liars that I want to smack the crap out of.

Yeah, THOSE women. We've all met them. Sally Lou who insists that she never had a touch of morning sickness. Or Gene Louise who says that at a week and a half old her child can not only sleep through the night, but brings mom coffee in bed the next morning.

I hate these women.

Now, I don't know about you, but my pregnancy was NOT very pleasant. Now, this is NOT to say that I was angry at being pregnant, or that I didn't want it, or that I was inconvenienced. But if you have a seven pound parasite living in your uterus for nine months you are bound to get a little testy! The baby takes your energy, your nutrition and even at point your very will to live. In the early months they make you sick to your stomach and unable to face foods you've dealt with your entire life. During the first 12 weeks I couldn't cook, let alone even open the fridge without vurping into my mouth a bit from all the combined smells that came at me. Later in pregnancy they take your sleep because you are so freaking huge that nothing is comfortable anymore. And we aren't even going to discuss acid reflux. Your feet and hands swell so that you end up looking like ten pounds of crap in a five pound bag. Yeah, that sort of feeling does NOT equal sexy. Which leads me to...

"When I was pregnant I never felt so sexy/beautiful!"

You may have heard this from another woman or read it in some idiotic feel-good pregnancy book (btw - I'm convinced that men write those things. Because I read a few and NEVER once felt 90% of what they said I would). Whoever said this obviously is either a.) lying her FACE off or b.) smoked a HUGE bowl of crack before giving this interview and was tripping her face off. I don't know about you, but I was greasier/pimplier and dandruffier than I'd ever been in my entire life. What about an overweight woman with greasy flaky hair, huge zits and sweat marks the size of Uganda screams sexy? Nothing, that's what. They lie.

"Morning sickness is all in your head. If you don't think you will be sick, then you won't."

Believe it or not this was ACTUALLY said to me by some headcase I know. She believed that morning sickness was in my head. Disregard the fact that I was vomiting at work so much that my doctor had to prescribe medication. I just apparently wasn't using enough "positive thinking". I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish her to be torn limb from limb by rabid coyotes. That was such a load of crap. How about I not think I'm pregnant either? Would that work? Or how about I not think I'm a woman? I'll just imagine that my back doesn't hurt anymore...idiot.

"The first few weeks home with my new baby were magical."

Um...what what now? Magical how? Did they crap rainbows and pixie dust? Now don't get me wrong, the first moment I held my nugget was THE most AWESOME thing EVER. Did I feel like I could fly? Absolutely (though that could have been the morphine. But when we got home? No. Not very magical at all. It was a crash landing skull first into reality. The screaming, puking, pooping, "Honey the baby just peed on the couch...again" reality. Again, not saying I didn't enjoy it or want it, but lets be honest: bringing a baby home is hard freaking work. And anyone that says differently either has a genetically superior government engineered super baby or is lying. It's just THAT simple.

And on that note, someone recently told me that I "didn't appear to be enjoying the mommy thing."

Oh back THAT train right. The fuck. Up.

Look here bitch (oh yeah, I'm throwin' DOWN): I tried for over a year to get pregnant. I went through how many cycles of fertility treatments? Artificial Insemination. Dye test (which, before birth was the most painful thing of my entire life). We had in fact GIVEN UP trying to have kids after they told us we only had a 2% chance of conceiving naturally. Then after finding out I was pregnant (suck on THAT Doc) I went through a HORRIBLE pregnancy. Why horrible? Three dislocated ribs, both hips and four lumbar discs. And I worked on my feet all day. And let's not forget the cardiac incident where they thought I had a heart condition. Or the fact that I didn't gain a single ounce until almost my fifth month of pregnancy and it was worrying my doctor. After giving birth my child spent time in the NICU and at one point they told me that if she didn't poop she would DIE. We went through Cystic Fibrosis testing, home nurse visits to check our weight gain and most recently three days in a row where the child did nothing but scream and not sleep.

WHO are you to say that I'm not enjoying this? What sadistic asshat WOULD enjoy all that?? Do I regret having her? No. Would I change anything? No! Would I give her up for 12 million dollars and a personal recording session with Cyndi Lauper? NO! (yeah people, not even for Cyndi) Are you a royal bitch for making such a rude comment and should you be loaded into a cannon and shot into the sun? Absolutely.

People like this Sparkly Bitch obviously need reminding that life is not perfect. Life is hard work. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. That's a healthy attitude. Because great things, like my child, are worth working and fighting for. My complaining, and I do A LOT of it, does NOT indicated unhappiness. It indicates that I haven't slept in three days, I'm sticky because I'm covered in spit-up and my couch has a stain on it that looks mysteriously like mustard. Would I change that? Nope. My baby is worth everything. Even the mustard stain.

Maybe some people just say things to make themselves feel better. Or maybe they really believe what they are saying. Or, the most probable, they took too many drugs and are hallucinating that they glitter in the sunlight with perfection.

If you are one of those last types, take my advice and go run off and sparkle with the rest of your kind.

Edward Cullen is waiting for you at the bottom of this cannon. Don't worry, it's not loaded.