And other things I learned the hard way.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Pump up the (boobs) volume.

I missed yesterday. I was busy most of the day pumping my boobs.

Yeah, you read that right.

Apparently, my and talented tatas managed to contract thrush AND mastitis AND get a clogged duct or two just for good measure.

My tits feel like they are going to drop off. And at this point, I don't think I would really mind.

"Breastfeeding is the most natural thing a woman can give her child"

Nope. Wrong. I call bullshit. I call shenanigans. There is nothing natural about this. Case in point: if you are a first time mother, like I am, let me ask you -- how many things have you let suckle on your teets during your life?


Yeah, I thought so. Me too. So when your baby pops out of the over screaming for the boob-juice you are already at a disadvantage. You have all the equipment and none of the manuals! And it's not like your baby is going to be a fat load of help. They will search for nipples on pretty much everything. My baby's latest trick is to try to suckle the burp cloth and scream when she doesn't get anything good from it.

And I don't know about you but after my birth, even though it was a c-section, I was pretty damn tired. And my brain was definitely NOT firing on all cylinders. I kept having "zomfg I've got a fucking BABY!!" moments. So when they put my darling into my arms and told me to feed her, the gears pretty much ground to a halt.

And to be honest, at almost a month into the game, it's not much easier.

When my baby gets hungry she get HUNGRY. Like a hippo who is HUNGRY HUNGRY. She screams and wails and beats her little fists on my chest. Even though the nipple is *right there*, sometimes even IN her mouth, she won't latch. Just scream. And my milk is letting down and it's leaking everywhere...yeah. These are the precious moments so I'm told. One more than one occasion I've referred to her as "the angry barracuda".

The past week has been especially hard. The thrush turns your nipples bright pink with white spots in the middle and damn if it isn't the sexiest thing ever. I kid. It's horrible looking. And, as luck would have it, thrush makes the baby latching on HELLA painful.

Oh good, because things were already going SO well in that department.

Add in mastitis and I have boobs of doom. The crystallized milk forms lumps that you have to massage out while pumping or feeding.

So let me get this straight: a.) my tits feel like they are going to fall off b.)my baby attacks my nipples like a shark c.)she wiggles and screams so hard I need to wrap both hands around her as she nurses and d.) try not to cry as my nipple goes up in flame and e.) massage out the lumps. Okay, I guess I can...wait...crap...both my arms are wrapped around the baby. am I supposed to do this?

Natural. My. Ass.

But, like the good mommy I am, I'm trying to weather the storm. So even at points when I feel like Gumby, we are doing it all at the same time.

Pumping if you can imagine is even worse.

SCENE: Interior bedroom. 2:30 am. Allison sits propped up in bed with a Medela hand pump attached to her breast, attempting to pump. As Allison tries not to fall over asleep the pump suction slips, occasionally spilling milk all down her side. Or while using her free hand to knead out the lumps she knocks the pump and it pops off with an audible "THYUP!". While trying to re-adjust the pump around her boob the pump handle pops off. She puts the pump down while rubbing her eyes and it falls over, leaking milk. Allison picks up the pump and throws it out the window while screaming righteous fury into the night air.


I hate them. I 100% no holds bar HATE them. First off, they pinch your nipples. Then your hand goes numb from the pumping. And they leak from the connection of the filter to the bottle. Even though they have a base, they fall over CONSTANTLY! There is not one redeeming quality about this contraption of doom. Unfortunately I have to use this at night, or pad out into the living room in the wee hours of the morning and fumble for the electric.

Curse you bedroom for not having an outlet on my side.

Though to be fair, the electric pump isn't much better in my opinion. Feels like the thing is trying to suck my nipples clear off. The poor things are swollen and black and blue. Though I'm pretty sure that's from pumping every time they get sore (like the lactation consultant said) and massaging them during the whole time. I've never felt so battered and abused.

Now, not saying that I am going to give up. Breastfeeding my child is one thing I am DEAD set on. But nowhere in the baby book did it ever say it would be like this! I want to find these asshats that write this tripe and slap the shit out of them!

"Your breasts may swell and you may experience some discomfort."

Swell? DISCOMFORT? If this was a TV commercial I would sue them for false advertising! If I had to write it, it would sound something like this -

After your baby is born, prepare to meet the biggest boobs you've ever seen. Ladies, they are going to get huge and angry and even though the nurses tell you that feeding or pumping will help, what they DON'T tell you is that it will also be painful at the same time. It's like trying to suck a gallon of juice out of a coffee stir those first few days. Hot showers will feel good, give the girls a rub while you're in there. But don't think about your baby once you've gotten out or else you'll be leaking like a defective cow in your bathroom and just need to wash up again.

All in all, it's been a rough week. But not as rough as the skin on my nips. *bah dum bum ching*
(You think it's so easy, you come up with a clever closing line.)

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