Over the past several months I've made a number of observations.
Never feed a child ravioli if you don't want to give it a bath directly afterwards.
Always bring a spare change of clothes, you will only ever need them when you don't have them.
And most importantly:
I do not have a toddler. I have a two legged hairless puppy.
Puppies, before they are "potty trained" are a danger to your carpets. MUCH the same as a toddler. If you take the diaper off and your acrobutt gets away from you there is a 100% chance they will run from you giggling, find a nice spot to squat, and then pee on your carpet.
Paper, tissues, napkins...none of those things should be left near a puppy. They will shred or chew them. Sadly, the exact same precaution should be kept with a toddler. I watched her shred and then EAT the remaining roll of toilet paper yesterday. And yes I DID keep trying to take it from her. The minx kept HIDING PIECES.
Puppies will eat anything they find on the floor. That cheeto you pulled out from behind the couch when you vacuumed. It's covered in hair. The dog doesn't care. Neither does the toddler.
Puppies drink out of a dish on the floor. And usually make a huge puddle. The toddler decides something slightly different. This dish is obviously for her to wash her face and toys. Puddle included free of charge.
Chew toys, especially ones that squeak, are fun for puppies. They help build strong teeth and encourage play. Same with the toddler. She especially loves the spikey porcupine one.
Garbage cans provide a FEAST for a puppy. And without fail, the garbage can after your have a cold...you know, the one that's FULL of disgusting snot rags, oh man that is their FAVORITE can to knock over and mutilate. Sadly, toddlers feel the same.
When you take a puppy outside in your yard, in the beginning it's a really good idea to keep them on a leash. Chances are they will see or smell something AWESOME and need to eat it right away in a frenzied motion while you look away for a split second. Oh yeah, you totally guessed...toddler too.
Perhaps it's something in our human nature. I'm reading a pretty interesting book that says children during toddler hood go through all the stages of evolutionary man. Almost like our DNA is remembering the advances we've made through history, the paths our minds took to learn new tasks.
But where the HELL in this amazing scientific journey does it call for them to lick the bottom of your shoes??
I'm sorry, but this toddler phase is pretty disgusting.
And we haven't even gotten to poop finger paint yet.
So if you'll excuse me, I have to go to Pet Smart for a retractable leash and training pads.
...for the puppy of course ;)