And other things I learned the hard way.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Who told you it was okay to touch my baby? THEY LIED!

Most of you have probably been there. You're in line at the bank, or the supermarket. Somewhere public. And you have your child with you in the cart, or what have you. Someone decides that it's obviously within the lines of decency to TOUCH YOUR CHILD.

Am I the ONLY person that wants to break strangers fingers OFF when they do this?

If we were in a restaurant, and I looked over and saw your food and said "Oh my GAWD that looks DELICIOUS!!!" and stuck my finger in it, wouldn't you be horror struck??

It's the same thing people.

Bad enough that they touch her hands. I don' know what the last time they washed their hands. But I know for a FACT that I wiped down that cart handle and seat before I put her in. As dirty as it is, I can safely say it's cleaner than strangers.

But sometimes people touch her face.


I honestly want to teach to her scream "BAD TOUCH!" and try to bite people. But I'm pretty sure the Department of Child Welfare might have words for me. Though seriously, strangers touching my kid?? WHEN did this become okay?

Doesn't anyone else remember that when we were kids there was that whole "Stranger Danger" and "Street Smarts" movement? John Walsh telling us about his poor kid that got yanked from his mother in a Payless or something horrible like that. What happened to that?

But more importantly, what's the protocol here? I called a guy a douche once for just letting a store door slam on my cart because he didn't wait for me to grab it from him. Is it acceptable to call a sweet well meaning old lady a douche? As in "Hey ya douche! Get your fucking hands off my kid!"

Or maybe a more creative approach "Oh noes! Now you have the AIDS!"

Or maybe I should just make her wear a sign around her neck "Plz no touchies, kthnxbai".

Or perhaps teach her to burst into tears and scream "MOOOOM, that lady STOLE MY SOOOOUUUULLLL!!" Nothing like good old fashioned mortification to hammer a lesson home in some folks.

And the worst part is that it's totally subjective. It's not EVERYONE that touches her. I'm fine with family and friends. In fact I've been know to say "Here hold this..." and pass her to the nearest pair of open arms. It's just strangers. Who are older. And who I feel are one step away from "Would you like a butterscotch, little girl?" and they pull a Werther's original out of their purse from circa 1985 that would crack her teeth.

Am I wrong here? It's totally possible. Maybe I am just hyper-protective.

Either way, keeps your hands off my kid ya douche.


  1. *Second this*
    There's no excuse to touch something that belongs to someone else unless you are A) invited or 2) ask first. This goes double for our spawn.

  2. I made a kid in line at the grocery store cry once by playing the "Got Your Soul" game. The mother was NOT PLEASED.
    To be fair, said child was screaming his head off and grabbing candy from the rack to toss on the floor while his mom chatted on her cell phone and flipped through the National Enquirer. I think she got off light.

    But at least I didn't TOUCH the kid.

  3. Despite the fact that I don't agree with the "Stranger Danger" thing (I think it's WAY overblown because it teaches kids to fear everyone who isn't mommy or daddy), I do think it's definitely out of line to touch someone else's kid. Not your child. If you don't know me, you no touchy. Period.

  4. My friend Amanda (who's comments aren't appearing) says: I'm ok with feet and legs. She's done sticking those in her mouth. But, yeah, hands and face are off limits. I guess I feel like old people get so excited it's a miracle that all they're doing is touching her and not actually licking her.

    You should ask them for their phone numbers, and explain that you'll be calling them for the midnight to 4 am shift when she gets sick.

  5. Aww yay I'm glad you guys liked the blog. Least I think/assume you did. :) I missed writing it and dammit, I'm not going to let other people's insecurities stop me from doing something that brings me happiness anymore.